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The death of a baby is a huge setback on parents and the grief that follows is unfathomable. The pain of losing a baby is a never ending one and then one day when you are blessed with another baby you don’t know what to make of it. You are sailing between the grief of losing the elder baby but simultaneously are overjoyed at the arrival of a new hope! The new baby comes not only with oodles of joy but has the pain of the death of his elder sibling attached to it. Whether he was still born or died after some time, it pains equally and can change your outlook on parenting as a whole! The way you will now parent your rainbow baby will be different and have a mark of some truths of losing a baby. Knowing them in advance will help you come out of the mourning phase and move towards blissful parenthood!
Triggers
Losing a baby is not easy and you have many associations to him that will now be seen through your younger living child. The clothes that you once bought for your elder one will be used for the younger baby, the car seat you never got to use will now see your younger one sitting in it. If you never got to see your elder one with his eyes open then your sleeping little child might give you a reassurance or might trigger grief in you. You might see the face of your dead baby in the living one and it may push you back into grief but it will be over in some time.
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Second Thoughts
Certain negative thoughts will raid your mind like you don’t deserve to keep the baby or that you are cheating the dead baby by loving the younger one. You might even think that when you couldn't keep the elder one how can you have the younger one. You may feel that you don’t deserve to have a happy life with this baby but don’t believe such thoughts. Just focus on parenting you rainbow baby and know that you totally deserve the new life that has come with him!
It’s Scary
Pregnancy and parenting after a loss is one of the hardest things you have to cope with in your life. When you begin a new life with your baby, you might be overjoyed or just plain scared. A little anxiety is normal because you have lost a baby and holding another one now brings back his memories. But if you feel that you are too scared you might need support from family or a counselor. Staying up all night to ensure that your baby is alive is not right, you can use baby monitors to help reduce anxiety or your family might help.
Disorientation
You might find yourself looking at your rainbow baby in search of the one that died. You might want to see the face of your elder child in her and believe that she has come back to you through the second baby. This is normal but you can’t let this feeling stay for long. When at ease you will realize that you don’t want your baby to be the one who died. This baby has come to your life with her own individuality and joys attached. Gradually you will come out of this disorientation and learn to embrace the life you have now!
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Name Slips
You will find yourself calling your rainbow baby by the name of the baby who died. It is very natural. Though you might feel guilty about it and blush on realizing what you just said, you need to know that it is not a crime. Stop feeling that you love this younger baby any less because you are calling her by the name of the deceased. After a few years you will see yourself jumbling names of your kid and the pet or an aunt. We all do that, accept it and move ahead in life with your little bundle of joy!
Detached Or Overprotective
Becoming a parent again after you have lost a baby is not easy and will have an impact on the way you bond with the new baby. You might totally get detached from this baby thinking that you will lose him as well. Or just the opposite, be overprotective of him. At times you will find yourself balancing between the two extremes. This all is natural and with time you will come out of this phase and learn to keep your rainbow baby separate from the past unpleasant happening!
Remembering
Your rainbow baby is not replacement of the loss you have felt. He is a separate individual and deserves a life that does not compare him with his dead sibling. But this does not mean that you will forget your baby. The bond that a parent has with his child is unbreakable even if the child lived for a few minutes only. You will have that baby in your heart forever. You will live happily with your rainbow baby and an essence of dead baby in the morning dew, smile of your little one or just an inner voice telling you that he is with you!
Begin your new journey with your rainbow baby keeping in your heart a little space for the deceased one. Revel in the bliss of parenthood once again without reflecting your loss on the little one. These truths about your life ahead will help ease out your anxiety and you will be able to embrace this new joy without any guilt!
